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CUBS AUSTERITY PLAN STRIKES AGAIN: Crane Kenney Forced to Fly Coach

I’VE HAD IT WITH THESE MOTHERFUCKIN’ CRANES ON THIS MOTHERFUCKIN’ PLANE!!!

The Cubs’ ongoing austerity program has now reached beyond the baseball operations segment of the team, and into business operations as the Cubs have announced that not only is President of Business Operations Crane Kenney being forced to flying on commercial flights, but he has been relegated to flying in coach.

“He got pretty annoying” one flight attendant said. “He kept flashing his World Series ring at me in an attempt to get extra bags of pretzels.” The attendant continued, “He didn’t seem to understand that coach passengers pay for their drinks, and you don’t get complimentary hot nuts prior to takeoff.”

Later he kept passengers awake by talking about how he actually knows the players and coaches, showing everyone that David Ross was not only in his contacts, but he had called Ross that day. He had left a voice mail. “Rossy should be calling me back soon.” Kenney reportedly told passengers. “I’m sure he’s trying now, but I’m in airplane mode. Once we’re on the ground, I’m sure I’ll have a voicemail from him.”

Cubs owner Tom Ricketts was reportedly heard to say, “Look, if Crane can bring the Comcast deal in before the season starts, maybe we’ll let him upgrade to Economy Plus…MAYBE.”

Nobody from the team was available for comment.

Updated: February 20, 2020 — 5:52 pm

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